When is it too intense?

One of our youth group kids asked how you can tell if you are getting too intense with your boyfriend. Here's the answer:

You are getting too intense if you feel like you have to see him all the time, you talk on the phone more than three times a week. If you get together with him (outside of school) more than once a week, you are getting "clingy," which means there will probably be problems with this relationship. The key in any high school relationship is to support each other with a non-possessive friendship. You spend time with this person not because of the pleasure it gives you (although it's fine to enjoy the pleasure which comes from a HEALTHY relationship), but because you want to help him cope with life, and grow as a person. And, of course, you want him to help you cope and grow.

How To Say No

The Story of Maria

"I don’t want to kiss," Maria told Keith. They had come to like each other a great deal over the previous three weeks.
"Not at all?"
"Well, not on the lips."
"Why not?"
"Because it brings us to an emotional level where I don’t want to be."
"You like me, don’t you?"
"Yes, very much, but I don’t want to pile up the emotional feelings when we’re too young to do anything about them." (They were both 15.)
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean I don’t want to fall deeply in love to the point where my heart wants to somehow fulfill this feeling by either getting married, or having sex. I don’t want to do either at this point."
"So, am I your boyfriend?"
"Yes, if you can accept the no kissing thing. We can hug and support each other as special friends, and learn how to be a true friend to each other."
"Okay, if that’s what you want."
Maria was a devout Catholic, attending Mass every Sunday and meditating in prayer for at least ten minutes every night. She had heard about the dangers of romantic dating in high school and recognized that these were real. She had seen many of her girlfriends at school end up in very exploitive relationships (they were being used), involving all sorts of manipulation (one forcing the other to do what they didn’t really want to do). She got the inspiration for her decision from her youth minister and her parish priest. She also got ongoing support from them and from her best friend, whom she chose for her faith and her goodness. She would often talk to them about her situation.
Keith was Catholic too, and attended Mass. However, he was not really committed to the faith. He never really connected his faith to his daily behavior.
Maria went to visit her youth minister (as she had often done before) to talk about her situation, and began with, "I have a new boyfriend."
"That’s interesting. Tell me about him," responded Denise.
"Well, his name is Keith. He’s five-eight, and has dark hair."
"Yea-a-a-a-a-h."
"Well, he’s nice... He’s Catholic."
"Really Catholic?" Denise was never a softie when it came to boyfriends. In fact, she encouraged them to avoid having "boyfriends" in high school.
"Well, kind of," Maria replied. They had talked before about the need for her to avoid guys who were not religious, because of the social pressures involved with non-religious guys.
"Does he go to church?"
"Well, some times."
"Does he pray."
"Not much."
"So, he’s a non-religious Catholic." Denise was homing in.
"Well, I guess you could say that."
"Here we go again. Get ready for trouble," Denise said, rolling her eyes.
"But, it’s so hard to find someone I like. And, there are hardly any guys in our school who are religious."
"And, so what’s the answer to that problem?"
"To not date seriously until college or beyond... But, we’re not going to get serious. I told him no kissing."
"We’ll see how long that lasts. I hope it does last. You know what you have to do to keep strong in this, no?"
"Yup. Lots of prayer and lots of communication with you and Fr. Clem."
"You got it. Maria, this is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do–try to relate to boys in a truly Christian way, but it’s worth it. I’ve seen so many girls weaken in this area, and they end up getting so hurt. It takes a long time to heal some of these hurts. That’s why I always tell you guys you should avoid the ‘boyfriend’ thing until much later."
"I know. I remember the stories... Pray for me, Denise, okay?"
"I will. Let’s pray together, now." And, they prayed.
Maria started out pretty well in high school, but she began to make small compromises and little by little she went where she never wanted to go. This is the story of her journey. Is it a true story? It’s several true stories woven together, but her gradual slide from being a prayerful Christian girl to a worldly woman is one true story, or, perhaps several parallel true stories.
Three months later she was with Keith again. "I thought we agreed we weren’t going to do that," Maria said, after Keith had given her a short kiss on the lips.
"Do what?"
"Kiss on the lips."
"Well, it was just a short peck. What harm could there be in that?"
Had she been strong in her conviction, she might have answered, "Plenty, if we had an agreement and you are trying to break it. I really don’t want to do that any more. If you have changed your mind about going along with me, let me know and I will have to rethink our relationship, whether it should continue or not."
But, she was starting to weaken. So, she said, "Not much, I guess." In fact there was some harm. She began to think about Keith more, and felt more and more as though she needed him in her life.
And so this continued for a month or two. She was becoming "attached" to Keith, something she would not have done without the occasional kiss on the lips, which began to be a bit longer each time.
Had Maria given the stronger response, Keith might have come back with, "Okay, okay. You don’t have to get all upset about this. I just slipped up."
"Did you really slip up, or was there a plan here?"
"I don’t know. What’s the point of our relationship anyway? Everyone else is sleeping together, and you and I don’t even kiss."
"The point of our relationship is this: We are not ready for marriage, so we shouldn’t be acting like an engaged couple. We should be working at friendship, which is the bedrock of true marriage, not the physical stuff–although there is nothing wrong with that in marriage. Each of us should be trying to learn how to be a true friend, one who builds up the other person, who encourages him/her, who listens, who is there when the other is feeling down. It’s about being able to share affection without getting sexual. Friendship is about supporting one another without using the other in a selfish way, without manipulating them.
"That’s what I want to learn in high school and early college. That’s what will prepare me–and you–for a good marriage. This other way of falling headlong in love with someone after a few weeks, sharing all kinds of sexual activity, and then breaking up is not a preparation for a lasting marriage. It’s a good preparation for divorce, or many divorces."
"Where’d you get all this?" Keith asked.
"In my ‘Love and Responsibility’ class. You don’t like it?" She asked him.
"Actually it sounds pretty reasonable. I just never heard this stuff before. I never knew anyone who thought about love and relationships. It’s almost... refreshing."
"Well, I need you to be on the same page on this if we are going to be seeing each other. I don’t want to be in a constant battle about this stuff. If you’re going to try to push the envelope every couple of weeks, it’s not going to work."
"Okay, okay. I am beginning to see this better. I really want to talk to you more about this because you may be on to something good here."
"Thanks a bunch. My religion teacher will be thrilled to hear of your enthusiastic reaction!"
"Very funny. I really want to hear more, though."
And so, had she been totally committed to just a close friendship, they would have talked more and more, and by sharing their thoughts, they would have developed a strong, healthy friendship.
Meanwhile the real version of Maria was slipping little by little.
"Today is my birthday," Keith whispered as he kissed her for a long time. "That was beautiful. I feel closer you to now that I have ever felt before." Here begins the manipulation. He praises her for doing something she really did not want to do. The implication is that if she doesn’t keep kissing him this way he won’t feel close to her.
"I care for you so much." Then, she kissed him, the same way.
And so it went, for a few months. Then, things changed a little more. This time they were at a party and finding themselves alone, they began to "make out." But this time his tongue touched hers and passions flared. He became aroused, and it was clear by the way he was touching her.
"Whoa! Take it easy. That was something new." She knew this was a development she hadn’t anticipated, but she felt so drawn to Keith that she felt too weak to complain.
"It was so special. I love you so much. It’s hard for me to hold back when I’m with you. You are awesome," whispered Keith.
"But you really got aroused there didn’t you. You wanted that. You know that’s a serious sin?"
"There you go, ruining something so beautiful. I have a hard time thinking about what’s sinful when we kiss."
"I can see it’s very different for you." She was moved more in her heart than in her body by this. She was beginning to feel even more that emotional intensity she had intended to avoid. It began to be overwhelming. She wanted to be with him at every moment.
Her interest in other things waned. This is what is called a "codependency," whereby they both are glued to each other and feel they can’t live without each other. It is considered an unhealthy relationship even for a married couple.
"Please understand. I’m a guy. You’re a beautiful woman. It’s hard for me to control myself when I’m near you. You have to understand my physical needs." Here is more manipulation. She is supposed to "make out" with him because of his male urges. Perhaps "making out" should be based on something more noble than his urges. Perhaps... love? But, the very term "making out" seems to reduce this activity to a recreational event.
If she had her head on straight, which she didn’t by now, she might have responded, "I think it’s wrong for me to get you to that point. And anyway, any activity we share should not be based on your urges. It should be based on our sincere love for each other. Love is not about ‘enjoying’ someone but working for their good. I’m not working for your good when I get you stirred up like that. I’m helping you sin... And, also, I’m not a woman. I’m a sixteen-year-old girl."

Even at this point, she could have straightened things out. It probably would have taken a visit to Fr. Clem or Denise. Had she made such a visit, it might have gone something like this. "Fr. Clem, I think I need to go to confession."
"Sure, let’s do it," he responded.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been about 3 months since my last confession. Father, I have a boyfriend, you know, and the other night things started getting out of hand. We French-kissed. Father, he went a little crazy."
"There’s hardly a normal man alive who wouldn’t go crazy with a French kiss, especially in high school. Girls can do it without getting stirred up, but a guy is sent half-way to the moon. He gets sexually aroused."
"He sure did. He became very physical. I was surprised, because it didn’t do that much for me."
"You didn’t know he’d respond that way?" Father asked.
"Well, I did. You have told us that before, but I guess I wasn’t thinking and it happened so quickly. That’s a serious sin for him isn’t it?"
"Yes, for him to intentionally pursue it. And, for you too."
"I know. You have told us that before. But, why is it my sin too, if I don’t get aroused."
"Because kissing is a team event. If you know he’s going to get aroused, you are partly responsible for making it happen."
"Well, it happened twice. I guess I never should have kissed him in the first place."
"What a great idea. I wish I had thought of that," Father said, winking.
"Okay, okay. I know you told me that months ago. But it seemed so tame, just a little kiss."
"But what’s the point in high school?" Father asked.
"It’s way of showing someone you like them, I guess."
"But there are lots of other ways, no? Such as hugging?"
"You know, once we started kissing we haven’t been hugging as much. I like hugs. Why is it that I have to be the religious one? Aren’t there any religious boys, even in my Catholic high school?"
"There are some, but not many. Boys don’t seem to begin to take life–and their faith–seriously until college, or sometimes even later. That’s another reason why it is dangerous to have a boyfriend in high school. Very few boys are into their faith to the point of being really committed to chastity."
"So I’m just asking for trouble, having a boyfriend?"
"What do you think?"
"I am. Denise said the same thing. Why does life have to be so difficult. It seems like all the fun things are immoral," Maria lamented.
"Or fattening. Actually, there are plenty of fun things that are good. You’re on the soccer team–that’s not immoral. You come to our youth group. That’s not immoral. One of the keys to a happy life is to find good, enjoyable things to do that are not immoral. I play tennis once or twice a week. It’s great. You need to have some fun each week, but it should be good fun."
"But having a boyfriend is very exciting. You know that," she said.
"All too well, working with all of you. So is Russian Roulette, but it’s an expensive thrill. Having a good friend in high school is one thing; having a boyfriend is another. We all need friendship, but having a boyfriend or girlfriend is high school is something entirely different. It’s often like having a temporary wife or husband when our minds and hearts are not ready for marriage. It usually brings trouble."
"I think I’m beginning to see that. Perhaps it’s time to break up with Keith. It’s just too much."
"Sounds like a plan to me. Just be good friends."
"But what if we’re good friends and he starts dating another girl?"
"Let him go. Let his new girlfriend have all the problems. This is how you learn detachment, and to love someone for their own sake, rather than yours. You can’t have it both ways. Either he’s your exclusive boyfriend or he’s your friend, who is free to have other friends, even a girlfriend."
"That’s hard, Father."
"Very. But, it’s a key part of the spiritual life. An attachment is something we feel we must have in order to be happy. For the true Christian, we need only God and whatever he gives us for the moment to be happy. It’s very hard to be ready to ‘let go’ of something that we really like but which might interfere with our love for God. Every attachment competes with God for our attention. That’s why the saints were so committed to avoid attachments."
"So I can be Keith’s friend without clinging to him."
"That’s it. You are the friend who is concerned for his good and who wants to help him cope with life. You could even help him start praying, and taking his faith seriously."
"Hmm. Where have I heard that before. Okay, Father, I’m willing to try. I guess this means I can have several friendships with different guys."
"Sure, why not?" Father responds.
"Our world is sure messed up."
"Amen!"
"Well, Father, those are my major sins, French-kissing with Keith. Twice."
"Okay. You should know that the Lord Jesus loves you a whole lot, and he knows every little or big struggle in your life. He is willing to give you tons of grace to change your direction and live for him. Remember, you are so very special in Jesus’ eyes, and my eyes too. Now tell me, how is your prayer going?..." And the confession ended shortly after that.

Alas, Maria did not go to see Fr. Clem. In fact, she didn’t want to see him or Denise. She was so glued to Keith that she could hardly think of anything else. She was barely praying anymore. Everything in her life seemed so... boring, compared to the time spent with Keith.
Maria began to try to spend more time with Keith because she was so drawn to him. She had to lie to her parents to do so and her relationship with them began to deteriorate. Her parents told her to never be alone with Keith in his house or hers, but she wasn’t following that anymore. As her relationship with her parents declined, she wanted more and more to get away from her house to be with Keith, or to be in the house with him when no one was home.
Everyone had warned her this would happen and it happened exactly as they said. She began to kiss Keith, then to passionately kiss him, then to fall heavily in love. She felt she had to be with him every moment (and she thought she had discovered something new), and her heart went nuts over Keith. She claimed on her MySpace site, she was going to be his spouse, and that she had found real love for the first time. (Hollywood stars often say they have found "real love" as they head into each of their third, fourth and fifth marriages.) And, with all this emotion, it was only a matter of time before she had sex with him.
One evening her parents went out for the evening and her brother was staying overnight at a friend’s house. That night she and Keith had sex for the first time. She thought she would never do this til she got married, but without prayer, without her support system (adults she could talk to), she had virtually no resistance.
This continued for almost a year, and then both went off to college. Everything seemed to change in college, and although they continued their relationship for several months, it ended late in their freshman year. Both were shattered, but Maria more that Keith. Both nearly flunked out. It took them a long time to heal from this relationship.

Even then she could have minimized her losses. She could have gone to confession and sought to change direction.
"Hi, Father Clem."
"Hi, Maria. So nice to see you. I’ve missed you a lot. How is college going."
"It’s going well. I need to go to confession."
"Okay. Let’s do that."
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been... wow, about a year and a half since my last confession." (Remember the confession described above could have happened, but it never did.) "Father, I had sex with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I feel so guilty."
"Guilt is a good thing here. Now, are you still dating him?"
"No. We broke up. It’s so hard, Father."
"One of the hardest things in life. But now you can get back close to God again. He’s been waiting for you."
"I’ve ruined my life. How can I ever be good again."
"You can’t, without God’s grace. And, you haven’t ruined your life. You can still become a saint if you want. Margaret of Cortona did, after having lived with a man without marriage for nine years."
"Really? How can that be? I feel so... grimy. How can I ever get back close to God?"
"You’ve already taken the first step. It’s a tough climb, but if Margaret could make it, so can you."
"I really want to do that. I was so much happier before."
"Maria, have you been praying?" he asked her.
"Not much, Father."
"How about Sunday Mass?"
"In the last month or so, every Sunday."
"But, before that, very little?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Now, if I were to just tell you your penance and give you absolution, you wouldn’t have much of a chance of changing your life. Let’s talk about Sunday Mass first. Can you go every week?"
"O yes. I will do that!"
"Now let’s talk prayer. You used to say part of the Rosary, no?"
"Yes. At one point I was meditating on three mysteries a day. It’s been a while, though."
"So how much time can you spend praying the Rosary?"
"I could do three mysteries a day, I think."
"Good. So, for your penance, let’s have you do three mysteries a day for a week. And after that, I hope you keep going. You’re going to have to do that if you want to change direction. And, you’re going to have to grow in prayer as time goes on."
"I can do that. I really want to do that," she assured him.
"I want you to read about the saints, too. Have you ever done that?"
"Not since Confirmation. But I’d like to do that. I’d like to start with St Margaret of Cortona."
"Excellent. I want you to go online every week and pick a saint and read one a week. If you go to Google and type in ‘St. Margaret of Cortona,’ several sites will come up. To get other saints, just go to newadvent.com."
"Sounds good."
"You will need a mentor for a while, someone you can contact weekly or so to talk about your journey. It will give you some accountability. Do you know the chaplain at your college?
"Not really," she responded. "What about you?"
"Sure. You can email me or call me every week or two from your cell phone until you are on a new track."
"I’d like that, Father."
"You need all this to turn things around. Otherwise, you will give yourself to the next guy who comes along and you’ll be back to square one. A number of girls who are sexually active get pregnant. And, many of those have abortions."
"I’ll stick to this, Father. I don’t want to go down that road."
"There are a fair number of decent guys out there who really want to live the faith. You will meet one if you pray hard and insist on moral behavior. Many of our girls have done just that and they are very happy."
"That’s what I want, Father. I think–I hope–I have learned my lesson."
"Now say a good act of contrition and I’ll give you absolution..."

Alas, that’s what Maria could have done, but she didn’t. She met a new guy in her sophomore year, and he seemed to be much more mature than Keith. They dated for several months, but things moved much faster this time. It was two months into the relationship before she had sex with Horace, but by this time she was pretty much sold on the sexual revolution. It just seemed like the thing to do when she cared for someone. She felt as if Horace was THE ONE, and thus it seemed so natural. By now, she had little religious conviction about chastity, and she seldom went to Mass.
As to its being natural, lots of things that feel "natural" such as getting excessively angry or gorging oneself on food, aren’t good. Doing what comes naturally is no recipe for getting to the Kingdom. Sin often comes naturally.
Alas, one day early in her senior year, Maria found herself pregnant. She had always been dead set against abortion, but she felt a tremendous amount of pressure to abort her baby. She thought about having the baby for a while, and even contacted someone from the Gabriel Project to help her have the baby, but in the end, she listened to her classmates and had the abortion.
Her relationship with Horace began to decline after that, and she realized that the whole dating scene had hurt her a lot. She resolved to wait a long time before dating anyone again, and she resolved to get back to church and to God. She wanted to start doing things differently, and she knew she needed God to help her do that. She was just 22 and had seen a lot of the dark side of life.

Maria made it back to God, and to a strong prayer life, with a ton of effort and lots of encouragement from some good, Christian friends. She began to realize she needed to find someone who shared her faith, if she was going to live it, and she resolved to pursue that. She discovered that doing so was not going to be that easy, but she believed her priest friend who told her it would be worth the effort. It took her eight years, but she found a devout Catholic man and tried to do everything right this time. She insisted on waiting 2 months before kissing and getting into a courtship and she kept her heart under control, waiting on him to pursue. When they actually got into a courtship, she only kissed him at the end of the evening, when they said goodnight–standing. They were very chaste. As a result, they came to know each other well, and have a deep, intimate friendship. After a couple of years of dating they married.
It was a good ending (or, at least the beginning of a good ending), but the road there had been pretty rocky. And there were some scars on her heart that took a long time to heal. She often thought of the child she could have had, and the life that child might have had with her or adoptive parents. She knew when that child would have been born, and she often cried around that time.
But, the mercy of God is endless and she was grateful for that. But if she had to do things over again... she’d have listened to her youth minister, and to Fr. Clem. And life would have been a whole lot easier in the long run.
Getting into the high school dating scene with both feet is a world apart from trying to stay with God’s plan all the way through. It takes a prayerful analysis of just what happens in high school and how exploitive and manipulative it can all be–and how dangerous it is to let the heart go wild when marriage is so far away. It takes a strong commitment to "friendship only," or "I kissed dating goodbye," as Joshua Harris put it, for all of high school and a good deal of college, until marriage is a real possibility.
The people you will end up "hanging out" with and the whole way of life you lead will be far different from the people who are dating in high school and getting glued to each other, as so many do. Just about everything in your life will be different from the "cool" kids who are living by the world’s standards, rather than those of God.
It’s a choice every high schooler has to make, a tough choice. Those who make the choice spend much more time with their family than the others. They pray a good deal and they have support from solid adults who know what’s happening in high school. And it’s a choice that prepares them for a lifelong marriage, not divorce. Those who have made that choice don’t regret it. And, it’s never too late to make it.
* * * * *
If you have a question about any of this or on "How to say no" to a guy or a girl, contact me. I’ll try to answer within a week.

Fr. T. G. Morrow
Author of Christian Courtship in An Oversexed World (OSV Press)
To see Father’s other writings (Guide to Confession, Why Sunday Mass Is Necessary, How To Live Chastely, Meditations on Rosary and Stations of The Cross, etc., go to www.cfalive.org)